I had felt like a crab in a barrel, fighting to get out. I had my baby crabs on my back, and my man crab by the hand and I was trying to pull us all out together. All these worthless, bad, selfish and envious crabs were tugging us back.

I got out of the barrel, with my kids, and we climbed aboard a ship of dreams.

The problem was that this ship was in a harbor I didn't want to be in, and my man crab - who had been hesitant to leave the other crabs, now became an anchor. He was holding onto me, keeping me from sailing away, and he was holding onto the crab barrel at the bottom of a sea of distress.

My kids, who were no longer crabs, but eager and worthy sailors, were staring out into the great blue beyond, ready to go. I was looking over the portside bow, frustrated that my man crab was not climbing up. I would hint and compromise, complain and then finally threaten but he was comfortable where he was.

Last night I finally cut the anchor loose. It's going to take awhile to get my ship sea worthy, but at least we're drifting towards the harbor mouth now. When we're ready, we are setting sail and never looking back.

Yes, I'm sad, and scared. After all, I've been with him for a while and I'm used to having him around - when he had time to come visit. Funny how I could drive to Tulare everday to be with him, but he cant come every weekend. But I'm free now. He was a good guy - no drugs, alcohol, partying, nada - but he was self-centered, and I guess I wanted to be the center of his universe. One call a day wasn't much to ask, it just proves he's thinking of me. I'm talking a "Hi, ok I'm going to sleep" kind of call, because he wasn't into having conversations with me. With others he can talk for hours. I know, i'm retarded. Plus he didn't take much part or have much interest in my writing and promoting.

Whatever. I'm free. I can sail away by the end of the year, if not sooner.

Maybe I should have a bonvoyage party???