Damn you fungus feet! Damn you to hell. To HELL I say.

I mean, WHY ME? WHY?????? Why couldn't it have been YOU Bob? Not my Itchie (feet.)

It all started last week when I noticed my feet were kinda flaky on a little tiny section on the left side of my right foot. I naturally assumed it was a good ol' case of dry skin so I put lotion on before I went to bed and thought nothing of it.

I woke up the next day and it looked better so I forgot all about it.

Until the next night. AGAIN with the dryness and flaky skin. I applied lotion again but then this time I found some cotton socks and slept with them on.

I keep doing this but it just seems to get worse and worse. NOW it's also graced the presence of my LEFT foot. Not around the toe area and there is no itchiness to speak of so still..

I'm thinking it's NOT athletes foot, right? I mean, I've had STINKY FEET before so I know what athlete's foot is. Remember my stinky feet story?

CLICK HERE TO READ IT!

Anyways.. this weekend Mr. Twinkie and I were watching a movie downstairs while the boys watched their t.v. upstairs. Well, then Mr. Twinkie decided to take the kids to the store for ice cream.

Cool dad, right? Except for dad forgets he's lactose intolerant. So he eats his Cherry Garcia then a few minutes later it starts.

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT

He farted. I didn't flinch, I didn't say anything. I mean after all, when you live in a house with all boys and only one other girl you're kinda used to that type of behavior. I simply got up, turned the ceiling fan on and opened the window.

UNTIL... a few minutes later Big Mickey decides to join us and sits with daddy on the big couch. See, I'm hogging up the little couch as I'm laying on it.

Well, this puts Big Mickey's feet directly to the right of me. Right in my face, pretty much.

That's when it happened. I smelled it. HOLY SMOKES BATMAN! His feet STINK.

BAD!

I say something and we all start laughing. In the meantime, Mr. Twinkie let's out another one. WHOA!

We were watching Reign Over Me with Adam Sandler and it was really a great movie and I figure I could tough out the stank just until the movie is done right? But I couldn't.

All I could think of is how my taste buds and my nose were getting a big huge whiff of STINKY FEET and ass and I could feel my skin melting off my already dry flaky body from all that lethal gas and my lungs were closing in on me from all that foot fungus and I started gagging and sweating and my life started flashing before my very eyes as I could feel all the energy drain out of me from those dangerous fumes.Then I started getting dizzy and then the movie just seemed like the longest freaken movie in the history of all movies and when the HELL WAS IT EVER GONNA END!

"OH GOD!" I cried. "I can't stand it anymore! FEET AND ASS. It's feet and ass and I just can't take it anymore!"

Big Mickey and Mr. Twinkie, proud of their manly accomplishment gloated as I gave up and walked away. Defeated.

Them? Victorious. Triumphant. And giggling like little school girls because they managed to stink up the room and run me off and away looking for the nearest bomb shelter.

Anyways, this has nothing to do with my athlete's feet except for after I went upstairs I started thinking about my own feet and the skin basically melting off and I figure it's because of Big Mickey.

We must be sharing athlete's feet. He got the stank. I got the eating away of the skin.

So off I go tomorrow to buy fungus spray, powder, and cream.

Damn you to hell, foot fungus! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

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I was in Bakersfield this weekend for my nephew's T-Ball game. It was the cutest thing to see EVER. I loved it. I hope I get the opportunity to go watch him again.

My own boys didn't have any games this weekend but that's not always the case.

Anyways, on our way back I was looking for a place to stop and get something to eat and guess what I saw?

A DRIVETHRU SUBWAY.

Wow. Apparently they are everywhere but that was the first one I'd ever seen. To me, it was like witnessing a unicorn, or a three eyed elephant or something. I mean, they just don't exist.

How does a restaurant that encourages you to  "eat healthy" and live a healthy lifestyle promote you to be too lazy to get out of your car to buy it? It's kinda like an oxymoron, right?

Of course you KNOW I had to try it out.

I pulled up, ordered my three sandwiches. Then I turned my car off. And waited. I was a little tired so I closed my eyes. And literally took like a five minute nap.

It was perfect.

I think Subway is on to something here. Next time I'll order five sandwiches just to increase my sleep time.

Speaking of subways... I just read this article about a lady who allowed her 9 year old son to ride the subway alone. She's gotten lots of hate mail from other parents calling her irresponsible, etc.

CLICK HERE TO READ HER STORY

It made me think of a conversation I had with Big Mickey the other day.

He asked if he PROMISED to look both ways each time, could he PLEASE cross the street to his friend's house whenever he felt like it.

I said, NO! He had to let me know where he was going at ALL TIMES and he must NEVER ever EVER cross the street without asking me first.

Do I over coddle him? Maybe.

All I know is that for my child, that's just the right thing to expect from him right now. I've seen him play outside when he thinks I'm not looking.

He doesn't look both ways. In fact, I've seen dart accross the street without thinking to grab a runaway ball. Which is why I started the DO NOT CROSS THE STREET without me out there to watch you.

Does this make me a better mother than the lady who allowed her son to ride the subway alone? NO!

I think that as a parent it's our job to asses our own children's maturity levels and make decisions based on that.

BUT.. what do YOU think?

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"BABE!!!!!!" I yell out from the family room. "Guess WHAT????"

"Hu?" he replies from the living room while checking his baseball stats on his fantasy baseball league website.

"Guess what I have to choose from tonight on t.v.?" I say. Then not really giving him the chance to answer I go on, "Reality Bites or High Fidelity!!!!!" I shriek. 

"Ummmmm HELLO High Fidelity!" He says in a very matter-of-factly type of voice. 

"I know, right? GREAT MOVIE!" I agree. "As if it was really a choice, right?" 

Then before I finish my sentence he says, "Yeah! John Cusack is one of my favorite actors!"

MINE TOO, baby! Mine too.

*I secretly wonder if this reason and this reason alone is why we've stayed together for so long. Is John Cusack movies the key to any good relationship?

Well, ok maybe it's that and a few other reasons.

But I wonder if it's mainly ... THAT.

That  and the fact that I still get butterflies when he winks at me from accross the room.

And yes, he winks.

He flirts. With me, his wife. From accross the room.

How cool is that?

I love it.

I love HIM.

I LOVE the fact that John Cusack is one of his favorite actors. And I love that he still flirts with me.

Because we may not have Paris, but at least we have that.

We were at a friend's house last night helping her celebrate her 30th birthday. Friends all around us but Mr. Twinkie and I were in our own little world.

Just me and him. Talking.

It was a pretty deep conversation and while I didn't really notice we were secluding ourselves from everybody else apparently they did. Teen Barbie later asked if we were OK and at first I didn't even know what she meant until she explained it to me.

But also, during our moment of deep conversation our cousin came up to us and I think he was trying to "break the ice" in case we were arguing or something? I don't really know what he thought other than why are these two sitting over here all by themselves?

Anyways, right before that Mr. Twinkie said something that I didn't quite hear so I leaned in and without thinking I guess I burped? So yeah, it was right in his face. Well he stops what he was saying to ask, "Babe? Did you just burp?"

And at first I said, "NOOOOOO!" but then I smelt it.

And it  was lethal.

It was garlicky, artichoke dip yucky. That's something about garlic and artichokes. They taste great going in, but burping them out leaves something to be desired. Like GUM. Lots and lots of gum.

Anyways, after I went, "Ewwwwww! Can you smell that?" and Mr. Twinkie and I having a good laugh about it I realized just how comfortable I am with my man. OK Yes.. a little TOO COMFORTABLE.

But hey.... what can I say, right?

I have been sooooo tired lately. Not just tired... as in "wow I've had a long day " tired but also brain tired like "damn I had to think all day and now my brain hurts" tired and then add to that the emotional exhaustiveness of everything that's been going on lately I'm just a walking zombie.

So anyways, the other day at work I went to fax something that consisted of TWO pieces of paper.

1. the COVER SHEET

2. the actual fax

For some reason I held each paper in different hands. The cover sheet in my left hand, the fax in my right hand. Well, I'm right handed. So with my right hand (read=FAX) I typed the fax number in, and with my left hand, I inserted the COVER SHEET.

YES! I faxed a cover sheet, not the actual paper I needed to fax. Then I started to walk away.

So I quickly walk back and enter the fax number again. I figure I'll just fax the actual paper and nobody would know any better, right? So what do I do?

I faxed… the cover sheet again.

OOPS. Let's try again. I walk BACK to fax machine determined to get this right. So then to make sure I didn’t make the same mistake for the third time, I switched hands .. then I remember NO no NO, don’t fax the cover sheet AGAIN which is in your right hand… FAX.the.ONE.on.YOUR.left hand...

so then I … yup. Faxed the cover sheet. AGAIN.

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My friend Teen Barbie had her purse stolen this weekend and damn. It sucked.

It was Friday afternoon and that evening we'd planned on going to Don Vino's in Porterville since they started having "Latin Nights" and we wanted to check it out it's first week before everybody heard about it and it got too crowded.

Well then we couldn't go because her I.D. was in her purse and she looks (and is) young enough to get carded. Damn.

So we just sat around feeling sorry for ourselves while she was mourning her purse and all the credit cards she had to cancel.

Which was no big deal because I mean, who cares? You call the bank and because you have fraud protection they put the money back into your account when you take them in a copy of the police report.

But still, you feel so violated.

And then of course you blame yourself because DUH! Why the hell would you leave your purse in the car? 

But dammit we've done a million times before when we felt safe enough to because we were only gonna be gone for a minute or because we parked in front of the store and well... 

Nobody is that bold? RIGHT? And besides, it's not like you're in the "bad" side of town.

The other bad thing about it (besides the obvious) was that it was her  Coach purse that she saved and saved and saved money to buy and was so happy when Cabana Boy finally took her to go buy it for herself as her Christmas/Mother's Day/Birthday present which she would never do for herself again because I mean LOOK WHAT THAT GO HER!!! NOTHING~ Stolen.

Of course there was no money in her wallet because she'd spent it all on her purse so other than the cost of the purse she wasn't really losing anything except for of course the shattered window they were gonna have to pay for and then she remembered...

"OH NO!!!! I had a Subway card in there. They took my Subway card, dammit. And I think I had enough points for a free sandwich."

Rat bastards. Eat fresh.

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I've been reading some of my old blogs and then some of my new ones and I see a sort of transition of sorts. Do you? They are not as entertaining or funny as they used to be.

I went from funny girl to not-so-funny and I don't really know how I got here. The only way I can explain why or how is that a few things have happened in my life the past year or so that have left me sort of BLAH.

I keep thinking that's it's nothing a fudge brownie supreme can't fix. Then again.. a few fudge brownie supremes and fifteen pounds later... HMMM. I think I forgot my own advice about being happy with yourself and everything will just fall into place.

But enough about that...

We'll get more into that later.

In the meantime... here are some pictures of one of my most recent weekend.

It was recently my friend Snacksy's birthday and with the help of Donald Trump and a few other friends we might have been a bit successful in making it a fun birthday for her.

*Yes, Trump is marketing VODKA now! What's next? The man is a marketing genius!

We actually started out going to Harris Ranch for dinner then eventually changed plans during a quick "pit stop" at a gas station or should I say, "PEE stop."

When I was retelling the story the other day about that somebody asked, "What casino?" and I laughed because helloooooo it was a fully stocked limo we rode in. AND we had The Donald keeping us company. Does it REALLY matter what casino we ended up at?

OK OK! Truth be told I was a little bit too distracted to notice where we were driving or to pay attention to the signs. Besides, I don't gamble so what do I care what casino we were at? The only question I had that night was "Where's my drink?"

I mean come on!!! Friends, beer, food? Oh yeah! Good times!

"WAIT A MINUTE!!!!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'RE OUT OF BEER? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Relax Twinkie!!! We'll just fill up at the pump!

Thanks, TY You're  swell!

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"Mom! It's weeeeird! Guess what?" Said Annequin.

"What, honey?" I responded.

"OK... you know how Big Mickey likes CH? Well a boy in my class told me that CH wants to marry me." he says, with an overly astonished look on his face. Or maybe it was fear? He was afraid to hurt his little brother, Big Mickey's feelings. But see the thing is, CH is Annequin's friend. They were in kinder together where they first started crushing on each other.

The next year, they had the same teacher for first grade. They continued having crushes on each other. By second grade, Big Mickey was in the first grade, which meant they had the same recess. This is where Big Mickey met CH and decided he was gonna crush on her too.

Since Annequin isn't very much into girls (well at least not as much as Big Mickey) he said he didn't care. Go ahead and have her. (as if it was HIS choice, right?)

"It's OK Annequin. I mean, you liked her first, right? I think Big Mickey just says he likes her to give you a hard time anyways." I told him.

"Yeah, but I don't even like her anymore." He crunches his nose and raises his arms up a little as if to say, Ah, I don't care!

"Why not?" I laugh. Because I know it's not true. He is just saying that.

"Because she has these things on her face." he wrinkles his nose with disgust as he looks around the room looking for something similar to what she has on her face to show me as an example.

As I see him pointing to his face and making faces I think to myself, "ACNE????" No way this third grader already has bad acne, right? Soooo weird!!!

Finally, Annequin looks at me and his eyes widen with amazement as he discovers them on my face too. This horribly disgusting thing that CH has all over his face that have caused him to stop liking her are all over his beloved mommy's face too! OH NOOOOOO!

He points to my face with one hand, covers his mouth up with the other and says, "THOSE!!! That's what she has!!"

I laugh hysterically as my own flesh and blood is not only disgusted by my face, but also seems afraid of it as if an alien baby is growing out of my nose or something and it's looking for little boys to eat to sustain itself.

"FRECKLES?" I laugh! "SHE HAS FRECKLES? Annequin, FRECKLES are not disgusting. And it's NO reason to stop liking someone or think they are ugly! Are you trying to tell me you think I'm ugly?" I pretend pout as I ask him.

"Noooooooo!" Now he's laughing hysterically and I secretly hope he pees his pants from laughing so hard after telling me my freckles disgust him.

"Well, you just said CH is ugly because she has freckles. But I have freckles too. So does that mean I'm ugly too?" I demand his answer seriously while I try to hold back my grin.

"NO,"he says with confidence, as he thinks up the right words to say to get him out of this whole mess. "Because you cover yours up with makeup."

Now I'm really trying not to laugh but I'm also thinking it's time to end this conversation before he gets himself in deeper so I tell him, "Well, then! There you go! When you guys get older and get married she'll be old enough to wear makeup, like mommy. So she can cover her freckles. Just like me."

We both start laughing and tickling each other as he says in between breaths and laughter, "Nah! I just won't marry her. That way she doesn't have to worry about covering it up!"

 Now there is true love.

Hey guys just a quick heads up. If you've been following my MAS BOOK CLUB and have been waiting for something other than the chic lit I've been reading..  my MAS BOOK CLUB book of the month for April book might be right up your alley!

It's Lords: Part One by Nick Belardes.

It's a novel loosely based on the Lords of Bakersfield articles in the Bakersfield Californian which you can read HERE:
 

http://ww2.bakersfield.com/...

 Which (I think?) started when a District Attorney assistant was found murdered... by his drug addicted, young male, gay lover.

Then later.. another murder implicated other powerful men including OTHER D.A. Officials, police officers, government officials, AND the editor of the Bakersfield Californian in some weird underground, cult-like pedophile ring.

 Anyways.... I haven't officially wrote an "article" announcing it. I haven't had time since my husband's grandmother (who lives with us) broke her elbow, my kids parent teacher conferences were last week, and other work related stuff was going on.

Anyways, here's my quick announcement... I'll write something formal soon! But for now, buy the book by clicking HERE or at Russo's (or your other local bookstore) and I look forward to hearing from you! Take care!

~Twinkie/Norma