Mas

Querida Deborah,

I am 19 years old, and I just had my second child.  I had my first when I was 16 years old and would like to have more, but I have a very tight family budget and probably shouldn’t have more babies.  I don’t take birth control pills but I try to be careful and hope that I don’t get pregnant again. My aunt told me I am crazy and should take oral conception to make sure I don’t have more children.  My problem is that I don’t want to take the pill because I heard you can get cancer from taking “the pill.” I don’t know what else to do because my aunt’s comments is making me think twice.

Signed,

Worried and confused

Ay Mujer,

Cuantos mas ninos quieres because, without proven effective contraception, you will surely become pregnant again.  You are much too young to already have two children. You are at least starting to ask questions and consider being more responsible and that is a good first step. 

I want you to first consider that, if your budget is already very tight, adding another child or more children to your already existing family is setting your family up for a lifetime of poverty.  I am certain you want more for your children than you have for yourself, so start by living within your means. 

Ay mujer, with regards to oral contraception, I recommend you visit an OB/GYN to get his or her input. Your worries about cancer should be addressed by your doctor.  I should add that oral contraceptives may be covered by your insurance or if you are low-income, there are local groups like Planned Parenthood that may help you. Consider the pros and cons. The use of condoms is another good idea because oral contraceptives won’t protect you from diseases, such as AIDS.

Hoping that you won’t get pregnant but still having sex without protection is a gamble on your life. You should be in control of your livelihood, not anyone else.

There are other recommendations that you might consider, including  the  I.U.D., cervical cap, and the good ol’, “Just Say NO.” 

Whatever you do, see a doctor and get the right information so you can make the right decision for you and your children. Ay Mujer, you guys deserve a good life.

Deborah

Querida Deborah,

I was married to a beautiful man for 35 years.  He was everything to me. But don’t get me wrong, we had our ups and downs throughout the years.  We struggled and there were times when he was out of work and we wondered how we’d pay the bills but we eventually got through those hard times.  The thing is, he has passed on and it’s been almost two years since his death.  I miss him deeply and have found it hard to move on.  I visit the cemetery all the time and my kids tell me that I need to move on and find someone else.  They don’t understand how I feel and I honestly don’t believe I will ever be ready to move on to someone else.  Is there ever a right time? I am not getting any younger. I am 60 years old. But even if I did decide to move on, I don’t know where to find or meet someone.  Should I just wait and let things happen or wait for a sign from God?

Signed,

Missing mi esposo

Ay mujer,

There is a right time for everyone to move on after the loss of a spouse, but God isn’t going to hit you over the head with a 2-by-4 or send Pedro Infante or Jorge Negrete to your door as his “Time to Move On” sign. 

The difficulty is that moving on is an individual phenomenon that is influenced by our own needs for further companionship. There is not a set time when someone is supposed to have moved on.  Your children, while well-intentioned, do not have the shared life experience you had with your husband so, of course, they don’t understand.   But know that what they are expressing is concern for your sense of well-being.  While you should consider their concerns, you are the best judge of your well-being and it sounds as though you are OK for now.  To be honest with you, companionship does not have to come in the form of another husband or male companion.

 Companionship can come in a variety of forms. You can find companionship in a group of friends who you meet a few times a week or just una amiga who you talk to over the phone who you see occasionally for cafe.  You can find companionship in a sibling, your children, your grandchildren and/or other family members.

When you feel you are ready to seek male companionship, you will probably meet a man in a place that is familiar.  There are many places where 60-year-old women can find companions. Just re-engage yourself in activities of your interest.  You will not only possibly find a future husband there but also many other people that may become friends and good companions as well.

Deborah

“Ay Mujer” is an advice column from the Latina perspective and is contributed by Bakersfield resident Deborah Ramirez, who considers herself a proud Chicana. Need some advice from the Latina’s point of view? Send your “Ay Mujer” questions to ogarcia@masbakersfield.com or leave a message by calling 716-8644. We will publish your questions and her responses in a future issue.