Mas

larger view

Dear Ay Mujer,
I’m working in the same workplace but a new division. I’ve met a lot of new people I didn’t know before. When I moved over, there was this man who has made subtle eye contact with me who also seems to go out of his way to come by my desk. We’d speak politely, but nothing more.

Recently, he called me on my work extension and told me he finds me attractive and would like to see me outside of work. I find him attractive, too, and I’m flattered by his attention. The problem is that both he and I are married.

My marriage has been slowly dying over for the past few years. My husband sleeps in the other room and refuses to be intimate with me. I actually believe he’s having an affair. I don’t know what I want. Help! I’m confused.

Signed,
Confused Mujer

Ay “Confused” Mujer,
I know what you want — you want to be happy and loved. That is what we all want, and your current marital relationship isn’t giving you that, so when someone flatters you by letting you know they find you desirable, you feel good about yourself. And since it isn’t your husband, therein lies the confusion.

I’m certain you’ve felt neglected and unattractive for some time because your husband isn’t participating in your marriage, whether he is or is not having an affair. And, just because he may be having an affair, doesn’t make it OK for you to have one, too. It doesn’t say much about a person’s character when they have an affair, so just don’t do it. And — NEWS FLASH and I’m sorry to tell you — but you probably aren’t the first co-worker this man’s propositioned.

So, what do you do from here?

Well, you need to have a frank, but not volatile, discussion with your husband about the state of your marriage. If he’s unwilling, then you have to make some difficult decisions about how you want to live and what you are willing to do and not do to make your marriage work.

Tell him you’re unhappy and have been for a long time. Maybe he feels the same. If your marriage is worth anything to both of you, you’ll do what you need to do to make it work. If not, then you both are better off separating.

Some people like a trial separation and that is enough to mend the relationship, but others find freedom and are finally able to confront that which they have been unwilling to for a long time — that the marriage is over.

Signed,
Ay Mujer

— Do you need some advice? Is there a problem you’re having and you’re not sure what to do? Send your questions for Ay Mujer to: tadamo@bakersfield.com